Cleaning out my closet

Figuratively and literally, that's exactly what I did on Friday. I cleaned out my closet. I went through all the old clothes that no longer fit, are out of style or were wardrobe mishaps to begin with. I got rid of things that have been in there for years, particularly a pink sweatsuit that I know I've had since before Jan. 12th 2005. This is the sweatsuit I was wearing the morning I found out my brother had been killed in a car accident. My mom had a matching navy blue one, we had bought them together. I don't know if she was wearing hers that day and I definitely don't remember what anyone else was wearing but I know without a doubt that I was wearing mine. The sleeve is still stained with mascara despite being washed several times in the last 5 years. I finally decided it was time to move on. Not to move on from the memory of my brother, that will never happen, but the memory of what that sweatsuit represented. There are no words to describe the way I felt that day but whatever those words are THAT is what that sweatsuit represented. I never want to feel THAT ever again. I have lost several important people throughout my life, I loved all of them and all were significant in their own way but none of them compare to the loss of my brother.

After 5 years of seeing that sweatsuit sit in the top of my closet, I decided it was time to let it go. When I was finished cleaning out the closet I took 4 large trash bags full of clothes to Goodwill and it felt good. It felt really good. Not because I had made a significant amount of space available in my closet for new (and hopefully smaller) clothes but because I had gotten rid of that sweatsuit. Over the last 5 years the 'real' memories of my brother have slowly faded. I moved out of the last apartment he had visited me in, I dismantled and moved the bed that he had put together for me, I sold the car that I can still remember seeing his face in the rearview mirror of... I will always have those memories but the 'realness' of them no longer exists. I will never be happy that memories are the only thing I have left of my brother but I think I am finally okay with choosing which memories to leave behind. Plus, my brother left us one of the best gifts possible, my beautiful niece!